I do feel... lighter. Less complicated. There are a few raw spots in my heart, and I find myself driving around this tiny town aimlessly. Looking for something that I know isn't going to be found here. Literally searching the faces of strangers at the gas station, hoping to find a glimmer of something I can relate to. Someone I can talk to. I probably look like a suicidal maListening to all the sad songs and crying all the tears. This isn't a pity post. I need to go through this to get to the other side, but it is no fun right now. This is the rain you have to put up with for the rainbow, right guys? Guys?
I feel like I needed to turn myself inside out, let the old feelings fall out like coins from my pocket. See where my true heart is these days, without all of the pollution from my twenties. Out with the old, but with nothing to put in its place just yet. The old wounds are still there, but they are scars at best. I have healed from a lot of shit that went down. Forgiven people I needed to forgive, not the least of which being numero uno. The big cheese. No, not god. Me.
I am feeling lonely, if you can't tell. Luckily Im self aware enough to know, I am in no way ready to start dating. But someday I know I will be, and I look forward to it.